A Man and His Dog, Friends To The End
This is the last post in a series about A Man And His Dog. Click the label to bring up all posts in this series.
For the first two years of Sam’s short life, she spent 99% of the time with me. After the house was completed I had to look for work elsewhere or Sam and I would end up back in a tent. The job I found is the one I still have. It requires a lot of traveling and long periods from home. When I first started the new job is when I came to realize all the time spent with Sam may have done her more harm than good. Sam was an extremely sensitive animal. It was easy to hurt her feelings.
Luckily when I first started the new job, I had some friends that could babysit Sam for me while I was away. I hated, even in the beginning, how Sam must feel to see me leave her for long periods. I imagined she watched for me every day. When I did come home, she got so excited I had to pet and calm her. I really thought she would have a heart attack. It was a wonderful reunion for Sam even if I was gone for a day. That’s what made me wonder what she was thinking when I was away. I felt bad for her – but I had to work.
The first couple of months went as well as can be expected although I worried about Sam every minute I was away. Sam was a reason for me to say – I do care. I cared for Sam. Any decision I made with my life, I took Sam into consideration. I know that is a lot of dedication to an animal but read the whole story. She deserved to be rewarded for standing beside me unquestioningly as I was condemned by everyone else. She was my friend.
The friends I had watching Sam had to move out of their home and couldn’t watch her anymore. I wasn’t sure what to do. I had no one else to watch her. I couldn’t leave her at home for days alone. I couldn’t take her with me. I had to make a decision during a weekend. By this time I had tossed around the idea of giving Sam to a good home. But, to be honest, I didn’t think either one of us could live without the other. I was being selfish. I wanted Sam to stay with me. I didn’t want to give her to the unknown. I owed her more than that.
It was time to go back to work. My landlady volunteered to look after Sam for the upcoming week. That would give me time to figure something out. I was ecstatic as I told Sam goodbye for the last time. I went to work and never saw her again.
When I came home and found Sam no where I immediately start looking around the neighborhood for her. I looked for two days. I was everywhere calling for her. I knew if she just heard my voice she would respond. I so wanted to hear her respond. The whole time I’m looking, I’ve got this big knot of fear building and burning my gut. She’s gone – and I knew it.
It took the landlady two days to get up the nerve to tell me what happen. Sam had gotten loose – she didn’t know how. The day after, her son found Sam in the middle of the highway, about a mile from the house. Sam was hit by a car and died on the spot.
I can’t begin to tell you how devastated I was. I cried for a week. It was my fault. I should never have left her. I should have given her to someone. At least then I would have still been able to visit her. If I had known for one second that my taking that job would have resulted in Sam’s death… she was so innocent. Sam deserved a full life. So much to yet experience. I felt so bad and still do. I can’t get past it. All her toys are still where I kept them. I don’t have the heart to throw them away. If I could make one sincere wish it would be to give that poor little dog, Sam, her life back. It breaks my heart knowing decisions I made contributed to the death of an absolutely wonderful animal. We were supposed to watch each other grow old.
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Everybody forgive me but this post will be posted as is and unedited.
Things happen, and sometimes we don’t understand why. You need to forgive yourself. I guarantee that Sam isn’t holding any grudges. A dog like that wouldn’t have the ability to hold a grudge. You did what seemed like the best thing to do at the time. That’s all anyone can do.
Thanks Kristine – I just don’t know how to do that. Every time Sams name flutters across my thoughts I think about my contribution to her death. I tried to get another puppy maybe help with the healing but again I think about Sam. I know it’s silly but I can’t help it. If I could only tell her how sorry I am, maybe then…
You can tell why the other site had to go, almost a year later and it still brings tears to my eyes without a problem.
I am sorry to hear about Sam. I read your story and cried the entire time. Our dog is 9 years old and I can’t imagine that time coming. He does everything with us. I carry him around like he is a 2 year old child.
I am sure there are few words to comfort you. All I can say is if it wasn’t for you she may not have made it that first night.
thanks… I know what you mean about your dog. It’s tough…
I think about the beginning… it calms me to think she actually lived two and a half years longer than she would have.
I will always miss Sam and hurt when I think of her and will probably never throw her toys away.
If I had only…
This comment to no one in particular – after all the analyzing I’ve done since writing this post. I think I can’t get past it because there is no way for me to have closure.
She died three days before I got home. She was just gone with no place for me to at least go tell her goodbye or I’m sorry. I wouldn’t feel good about it but I would feel better if she were buried where I could talk to her. I know the talking to her part sounds crazy but I was homeless with Sam. I talked to her a lot. She would have liked that.
I don’t know, I imagine I’m just going to have to learn to live with it. It only hurts when I think of her.
I think that your compassion for the dog is obvious and the story tears my heart out, but at some point you have to let go.
I am an absolute dog lover and so much so that at one point I swore I would never have one of my own because I couldn’t handle their deaths when I was a kid, but I wouldn’t give up the time I have now with my dog to skip the hurt feelings that come with a dog’s death.
Sam’s death wasn’t your fault. It was just something that happened and you have shown more compassion for this animal then anyone in her life could have possibly given her.
I’m sure one day you are going to look into a new little pups eyes and see sam’s eyes looking back at you.
I just think that any dog you choice to get is going to get the love and care that it absolutely deserves and Sam will be right there with you!
I appreciate you comment Thanks – it made me think. I hope your right about the eyes…
thanks for your visit and comment
Denny, all I can say is that I know your sadness. I have lost a couple of dogs in the recent past, and they are truly like family. I did a similar post some time ago.
I wish I had a whole bunch of great words to say – I guess just that I understand and care.
Eric
Thanks eric… meant a lot